Hey Wives…

It’s taken me quite some time to write this— 18 years to be exact. Better late than never right? 😉 The important part is I’ve grown up a lot in those years and have a better handle on my thoughts, opinions and my stance– unapologetically.

Let me start by saying, I get it… From the hurt you feel, to the anger you harbor, to having to put the needs of your relationship with your Husband before yours. I get it! From the feeling of, “Is this normal?” or “I can not believe that I am dealing with this.” or the classic, “I never want my daughter to go through this.” I get it!

Then there’s the anger towards your Husband because before him you never where in a situation where you felt so disrespected. I get it.

Allow me to paint a picture… Have you ever met an amazing guy that makes your heart skip a beat? Someone that is capable of making you feel like you are floating on air just by smiling intentionally at you? Have you ever met someone with such a familiar spirit that causes you to be so deeply drawn to them no matter how you try to control your feelings? A man so lovely that the very essence of him makes you lose your appetite for weeks? I did… and I married him, happily–willingly–and wholeheartedly! Still to this day–I am deeply honored to be a part of such a beautiful love story.

As a young girl, I dreamed of marrying the guy of my dreams. Big family holidays– you all know I’m big on family– where both sides of your family celebrate and make memories together. I dreamed of having an extension of family… not just in-laws. Like the Brady Bunch but with both our families. But as Disney proves, ever happily-ever-after fairytale has a twist… and our twist is what includes his past.

Not once did my dream include my Husband’s high school “ex-girlfriend” being included in those family dinners, going on vacations with the in-laws and quite frankly being a part the equation at all. Years ago, my husband and I decided that we would do what made our marriage feel honored for us. If we chose to go to family functions we would. If we chose not to we would not. Then having an honest conversation where my teenager questioned who the “ex” was, why she’s around, and why the family refers to her as a “family member” put a spin on my perspective. Through conversations with my Husband I am settled within myself (and our marriage) that he does not condone, nor entertain the relationship of the “ex” on either side.

I consider myself to be a caring and respectful person… I always try to put myself in the position of how what I do effects others. I am true to every relationship that I establish and take it serious. I try really hard to not judge others by their mistakes. I work on being kind and giving more of myself. I am quite funny (at least to myself) and super entertaining (again, at least to myself). You all should join my ‘private parties’– the ones me, myself and I have…are truly a blast! LOL But as I am closing in on my 40th birthday I realize that all those loving, caring and considerate ways that I freely give; I owe to myself as well.

You see when I said my vows unto the Lord, to the man of my dreams, nearly 16 years ago I decided that I would stay true to those words. No matter how many tough conversations he and I have had to have. How many tough decisions that we have had to make. We will do them together and in love for each other. The 21 year old Stephanie would have never been able to even comprehend that concept especially if she felt disrespected. My Mother, Sister and Father, while their perspective or way to handle this has differed wildly from mine, have been a safe haven for me to process through these thoughts over the years. I also find great comfort that all my dreams of big family holidays, vacations and memories did not die– they just presented themselves differently. And Charles and I have created all those things and more together, with our children! How can I complain?

Wives, if you are dealing with a similar situation… it is not the norm. Even the people involved…if approached with this same scenario would NOT approve (for themselves) the very situation you are expected to be in. But have comfort in knowing that is not your problem to fix. As long as your husband is honoring you and your marriage and has cut all ties with the “ex” it is not his fault. Please stop making him pay for the actions of others. People like who they like. Your Husband has chosen to love who he loves— YOU. If it means that the people he loves will never get to know the “non-guarded version’ of you, that’s okay too.

I challenge you to treat his family with love and respect BUT always honor yourself in that first. For you see—because I love my Husband so much I would NEVER encourage him to not love or engage with his family. In fact, I push to make sure his parents/family know that he will do whatever he can to honor and love them. The very same way he does for me and my family.

Your twist in your marriage may not look or sound anything like mine. But every marriage has a twist. And while I am a deeply private, yet social person (talk about the irony) I questioned whether I should share. For 18 years, I kept this secret and only shared with those closest to me. I have walked in forgiveness for the anger I once carried and now know I have a God given responsibility to challenge you to do the same.

In marriage– there will be many obstacles. Marriage is truly not for the faint at heart. Each day you must wake up and chose to love and protect your spouse more than your pride and ego. If you are dealing with a “twist” in your marriage speak up. Talk with someone you trust. Whether that be your Pastor, a family member, friend or therapist. You don’t have to walk through this alone. All I suggest is that you only speak with those that will be honest with you and your spouse but will ultimately help you honor your marriage. You don’t need to speak to people that will just use this information as today’s hot topic.

While I understand your complete perspective continue to work to put your marriage first… if NO ONE understands but you two. Stand in the fire together… as for my Husband and I — my beloved is mine and I am his.