An Open Letter To Wives… When Dealing With The “EX” Factor

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An Open Letter

Hey Wives…

It’s taken me quite some time to write this— 18 years to be exact. Better late than never right? 😉 The important part is I’ve grown up a lot in those years and have a better handle on my thoughts, opinions and my stance– unapologetically.

Let me start by saying, I get it… From the hurt you feel, to the anger you harbor, to having to put the needs of your relationship with your Husband before yours. I get it! From the feeling of, “Is this normal?” or “I can not believe that I am dealing with this.” or the classic, “I never want my daughter to go through this.” I get it!

Then there’s the anger towards your Husband because before him you never where in a situation where you felt so disrespected. I get it.

Allow me to paint a picture… Have you ever met an amazing guy that makes your heart skip a beat? Someone that is capable of making you feel like you are floating on air just by smiling intentionally at you? Have you ever met someone with such a familiar spirit that causes you to be so deeply drawn to them no matter how you try to control your feelings? A man so lovely that the very essence of him makes you lose your appetite for weeks? I did… and I married him, happily–willingly–and wholeheartedly! Still to this day–I am deeply honored to be a part of such a beautiful love story.

As a young girl, I dreamed of marrying the guy of my dreams. Big family holidays– you all know I’m big on family– where both sides of your family celebrate and make memories together. I dreamed of having an extension of family… not just in-laws. Like the Brady Bunch but with both our families. But as Disney proves, ever happily-ever-after fairytale has a twist… and our twist is what includes his past.

Not once did my dream include my Husband’s high school “ex-girlfriend” being included in those family dinners, going on vacations with the in-laws and quite frankly being a part the equation at all. Years ago, my husband and I decided that we would do what made our marriage feel honored for us. If we chose to go to family functions we would. If we chose not to we would not. Then having an honest conversation where my teenager questioned who the “ex” was, why she’s around, and why the family refers to her as a “family member” put a spin on my perspective. Through conversations with my Husband I am settled within myself (and our marriage) that he does not condone, nor entertain the relationship of the “ex” on either side.

I consider myself to be a caring and respectful person… I always try to put myself in the position of how what I do effects others. I am true to every relationship that I establish and take it serious. I try really hard to not judge others by their mistakes. I work on being kind and giving more of myself. I am quite funny (at least to myself) and super entertaining (again, at least to myself). You all should join my ‘private parties’– the ones me, myself and I have…are truly a blast! LOL But as I am closing in on my 40th birthday I realize that all those loving, caring and considerate ways that I freely give; I owe to myself as well.

You see when I said my vows unto the Lord, to the man of my dreams, nearly 16 years ago I decided that I would stay true to those words. No matter how many tough conversations he and I have had to have. How many tough decisions that we have had to make. We will do them together and in love for each other. The 21 year old Stephanie would have never been able to even comprehend that concept especially if she felt disrespected. My Mother, Sister and Father, while their perspective or way to handle this has differed wildly from mine, have been a safe haven for me to process through these thoughts over the years. I also find great comfort that all my dreams of big family holidays, vacations and memories did not die– they just presented themselves differently. And Charles and I have created all those things and more together, with our children! How can I complain?

Wives, if you are dealing with a similar situation… it is not the norm. Even the people involved…if approached with this same scenario would NOT approve (for themselves) the very situation you are expected to be in. But have comfort in knowing that is not your problem to fix. As long as your husband is honoring you and your marriage and has cut all ties with the “ex” it is not his fault. Please stop making him pay for the actions of others. People like who they like. Your Husband has chosen to love who he loves— YOU. If it means that the people he loves will never get to know the “non-guarded version’ of you, that’s okay too.

I challenge you to treat his family with love and respect BUT always honor yourself in that first. For you see—because I love my Husband so much I would NEVER encourage him to not love or engage with his family. In fact, I push to make sure his parents/family know that he will do whatever he can to honor and love them. The very same way he does for me and my family.

Your twist in your marriage may not look or sound anything like mine. But every marriage has a twist. And while I am a deeply private, yet social person (talk about the irony) I questioned whether I should share. For 18 years, I kept this secret and only shared with those closest to me. I have walked in forgiveness for the anger I once carried and now know I have a God given responsibility to challenge you to do the same.

In marriage– there will be many obstacles. Marriage is truly not for the faint at heart. Each day you must wake up and chose to love and protect your spouse more than your pride and ego. If you are dealing with a “twist” in your marriage speak up. Talk with someone you trust. Whether that be your Pastor, a family member, friend or therapist. You don’t have to walk through this alone. All I suggest is that you only speak with those that will be honest with you and your spouse but will ultimately help you honor your marriage. You don’t need to speak to people that will just use this information as today’s hot topic.

While I understand your complete perspective continue to work to put your marriage first… if NO ONE understands but you two. Stand in the fire together… as for my Husband and I — my beloved is mine and I am his.

I quit my job as “Just” A “Stay At Home Mom”

maxresdefaultMost of you know I have only worked as a Stay-At-Home Mom for the past decade… But after 12 years (or 144 months or 4,380+ days or 105,120+ hours) of doing the exact same job with NO days off, NO breaks, NO sick time, NO pay… I quit.

Initially, I shared this post on FB but deleted it because I felt I could do it more justice by making it a blog post. Seldom, do I allow myself to be this transparent. I may have said it before but mainly because I have a “outgoing but very private” personality type. I know, I know… a complete oxymoron. But we’ll touch on that another time.

So let me tell you what led up to me quitting being JUST A STAY-AT-HOME MOM. Friday, after I made a quick breakfast I swiftly got myself together. Made my oldest her lunch. Reminded her to complete all the tasks on her morning checklist. I put on the boys’ 2 coats, 2 pair of shoes, buckled 2 boys in car seats, grabbed 2 water cups all after checking 4 hands for items that shouldn’t be taken in my minivan. We came back home. I unbuckle 2 car seats, check the minivan for things that made it in the minivan from Thursdays haul.

Having both boys at home with me all day on Fridays is a true art. They play like only 5-year old and 2-year old boys do. They had a million requests for water, juice, milk, snacks, blankies, coveted toys that rest on the top shelf. They played through nap time. Made bigger messes than a preschooler and toddler should comprehend making. I did one load of laundry, drank lukewarm coffee that has been microwaved at least 2 times, cleaned the kitchen from breakfast, re-cleaned the living room what felt like 20 times, yet before I knew it… it was time to pick up my daughter from school. 20170219_135053

I swiftly got myself together. Put on 2 coats, 2 pair of shoes, buckled 2 boys in car seats, grabbed 2 juice cups all after checking 4 hands for items that shouldn’t be taken in my minivan. Dinner wasn’t prepared but I was positive that I could handle that after we came back home.

We picked “Sissy” up from school and immediately starts the “I’m-so-starving” whines followed by special food requests. We drive to Subway. I unbuckle 2 car seats, buy food then back to the car to buckle 2 car seats again. We drive back home. We enter the garage, I unbuckle 2 car seats. Juice is spilled… after cleaning it up we enter the house. I take off 2 coats, 2 pair of shoes, after I have grabbed 2 juice cups all while checking for items left in the minivan from now 6 hands. And Dinner STILL wasn’t prepared.

I sent my Husband a text that read… “I am sure your day was interesting to say the least. Shelby has a practice at 630p. The boys will need to eat, I apologize for not being prepared for you to come home and relax. I can assure you it will look like I have completed nothing when in fact I have been terribly busy today.”

Next thing you know I am back in the car with our daughter rushing to get her to practice. Friday ended with dinner with another Mom and her daughter… and one extremely exhausted ME. Saturday was jammed packed with activities that ranged from washing my hair and blow drying it (didn’t have time to flat iron it) to hours of competition dance practice to a birthday party for a friend of Shelby.

And MOST days I handle the stress of my responsibilities with ease. But there are days when my children constantly and consistently make messes faster than I able to clean, bicker and fuss about absolutely everything, no matter how much I give, it can seem as though it is never enough or given at the wrong time to the wrong people. To not feeling as though through the eyes of others I am pulling enough weight in various areas. To dinner not tasting “right”, socks are not straight enough, play dates don’t come fast enough… times when I feel just like a Mom in a YouTube video that has been heavily criticized but I so desperately understand her.

So today I quit…

You read that right… I quit.

I quit apologizing for not being enough. I quit comparing my “job” to others.  I quit buying into the belief that I must never feel overwhelmed with a job that has my demands. I quit letting society tell me that I am not working because I don’t have benefits and taxes taken from their system of pay. I quit believing that I am not allowed to feel like I am coming undone by the seams because I “get” to stay home. I quit believing that I don’t have a voice. I quit buying into the idea that I am not working when I am literally one of the hardest workers I know. Futhermore, I quit accepting the idea that there is no way that I can possibly hit 60,000 steps in a week working at home. Screenshot_20170128-153307.jpg I quit allowing the “just” a Stay-At-Home stigma to be negatively attached to what I do… and do quite well I might add. I quit buying into the belief system that some jobs are more important than others. I am raising and nurturing lives that will be responsible for our future. I may not make a physical dime… but I quit today.

Tomorrow, I will wake up. I start my new job as a PROUD Stay-At-Home Mom/Home Chief Operating Officer (COO). I will love my children and Husband to the best of my ability. I will perform my duties as a Mother and Wife. I will still dream of what it feels like to ride in a shiny car on my way to a beautiful office view, with a hot coffee in my hand, where I would be dressed to the nines, in great physical shape, a perfectly swinging Bobcut hairstyle, beautifully applied makeup, making executive decisions, being paid a comparable salary to my worth, feeling terribly important. But you know what… I will dream, but I won’t quit.

I am enough. My job is important. I’m not “just” a Stay-At-Home Mom. I am a Stay-At-Home Mom period. And my job is EVERYTHING. Even when my living room is messy, sandwiches are “What’s For Dinner?” and I am NOT afforded the opportunity to eat bon-bons and watch soap operas. I will remind myself it’s perfectly fine to have bad days yet still love my children & be grateful for my Husband being the sole breadwinner as I work a sun-up-to-sun-down monetary lacking career. I will not be pressured by nagging thoughts to feel like my job is just mediocre. Because it’s not. ❤❤❤#LetMeGo #GottaGetBackToWork

Happy Thanksgiving!

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happy-thanksgiving-day-2016-image-pics-photos-wallpapersBefore we start the hustle and bustle of today; whether it be dinner prep or Black Friday shopping…. I pray we all find a way to bless someone unexpectedly today. It’s always a blessing to be a blessing. Someone is counting on YOU. From my family to yours… Happy Thanksgiving! ❤❤❤

 

 

 

We Will Laugh…

When I was a young girl growing up holidays were EVERYTHING. I remember the smells. I remember the sounds. I remember the essence. I remember the very spirit of holidays. I grew up in a small family, that consisted of my mother, my father and my little sister. But our holidays were never small and hardly ever quiet but almost always included two stops.
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Our first stop was usually to my paternal grandparents, Poppy and Granny McClair’s house. My grandparents had a total of seven biological children and countless, “bonus children,” whether they were nieces, nephews, neighbors or church friends. Plus, more grandchildren than I can count. If I were to guesstimate I would say 20+ grandchildren, but my sister and I were the youngest of the bunch. The position of the youngest grandchildren on the family tree granted us a seat at the “grown up” table in our Sunday dresses; separated on different sides of the table, only to glare & possibly giggle at each other. Thanksgiving Dinner started with what I am sure was a 20 minute prayer… then we could finally eat. My grandmother would prepare an amazing “soulful” dinner. While we ate, the adults in my life mingled, laughed, joked and talked (at times very loudly) over dinner. While my older cousins were stationed in the kitchen having their own conversations and fun.

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My First ExclusivelySNW.com Post

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Today, I embarked on a new venture in creating a true blog. Several weeks ago I stepped out on a limb and just posted my thoughts. Today, I am excited to share through a different lens as I learn to share my voice in the blogging world. This is all very new to me, although sharing my opinion is not so new. I pray that my words will one day touch at least one. Maybe allow someone else to gain new perspective or ideas. I am an artsy personality, who can be a little random so here’s your heads up… you can expect a little of everything from me!!! Cant’t wait to share.